Better boundaries isn’t JUST about saying no to toxic people.
Poor boundaries can look like may different things. Maybe you
- Say yes to shifts at work when you don’t have the energy
- Agree to pick people up at the airport when you don’t have the time
- Spend more money than you have when you are out at drinks with a group of friends
- Let people borrow your car because they are in a rough patch
Any of these hitting a trigger yet? That’s because there are FIVE types of boundaries people pleasers need to set in order to protect their energy.
It’s time to put YOU first again!
Why do I need healthy boundaries?
My whole life changed when I started setting healthy boundaries.
Before I learnt how to say no without feeling guilty, I was
- Burnt out
- SO scared that I didn’t fit in and so constantly felt like I had to say yes
- Feeling like I wasn’t myself because I thought I had to love people in a certain way and show up as a certain person (even though it made me unhappy and uncomfrotable)
If you don’t know how to set boundaries, this is probably your reality too.
Always taking on more work even though you hate it. Spending more money than you have so you don’t get left behind.
If you can learn to set these types of boundaries in you rlife, then you can put yourself first without questioning it, have more energy and self-care in your week, and prioritize yourself without having to explain yourself to other people.
1) Personal Boundaries
Whenever I am at the gym without my trainer, I always make up excuses.
“Aw, 8 is enough reps”
“I’ve probably done enough work, and my legs already hurt.”
My poor legs aside, this apparent laziness is actually a sign of no personal boundaries.
When you let this low-vibe version of yourselfmake the decisions, you will NEVER do the things you want to do.
Because that version of yourself is scared, and she will ALWAYS negotiate you out of things that are uncomfortable (even if they might benefit you).
If you can master personal boundaries with yourself first, then you are much more likely to succeed in boundaries with other people.
2) Financial Boundaries
I’m willing to bet we have ALL spent a bit more money than we planned in a group situation.
You know the feeling.
When everyone in the group is getting another round of drinks, but you don’t want to spend more.
There are two things you can do to start setting money boundaries with people (and yourself):
- Back yourself 100%. If people can’t handle that you are on a different budget to them (and you can’t stand up to them and say it), it might be time to hang out with other people in other settings
- Set your boundaries BEFORE you need them. That way you can give people the heads up and bow out gracefully
Financial boundaries are usually about serving a higher good or future happiness.
Your spending should be a way to make YOU happy, not just a way to fit in with people (oh hey, past Lucy).
3) Time Boundaries
You don’t need me to remind you that time is the only resource you can’t get back. Protect yours!
One of my top strengths from Gallup Strength Finders is Responsibility. That means that when I’m not careful, I will take on many roles, and take on the things I think other people aren’t doing well enough.
Time is precious!
Here are a few ways you can start to protect your precious time:
- Only say yes to things you ACTUALLY want to do
- Don’t let people overstay their welcome in your space
- Find the most efficient way of doing things (and consider paying someone to do the things you HATE doing).
As the old gurus say, “time is money”. Time is also about prioritizing yourself, about doing things that light you up.
Don’t let people waste yours.
4) Material Boundaries
I grew up in a big family (I was one of five girls!) so I protect my belongings with a passion.
But it is not selfish to want to protect your belongings better (even though the ex-people-pleaser in me wants to disagree).
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE helping people out, but it is not wrong to hold cards a bit closer to your chest, ESPECIALLY if they can’t prove that they respect you or your things.
For example, I had a friend who would no longer let her partner use her car because he crashed it several times.
Was he mad about it?
But that doesn’t mean she should let him use it when she doens’t trust him.
So if you don’t want someone to borrow your clothes? Say no.
Don’t trust that someone will bring back your prized lawnmower? Decline them graciously and offer an alternative.
Don’t have the energy to let someone borrow a trailer? Let them know that you are not available because you are taking time for yourself.
5) Mental/Emotional Boundaries
I get it.
- An empath
- An ex-people pleaser
- Someone who used to believe I had to say yes to everything or I would get left out/left behind by my friend group
But some people just don’t deserve to be in your space.
Some people are draining the energy you need to give to yourself.
And ignoring these signs is a short mental train ride away from total burn out.
Here are a couple of permission slips for you:
- You can take a break from people that drain you.
- You are not wrong for telling people how you really feel.
- You can give people instructions for how they are allowed to interact with you from now on- and then cut them off if they don’t follow them.
If you feel like you are approaching burnout, or never have any time for yourself, then I have created an Energy Equation Exercise that helps people pleasers to balance out the things that drain them with the things that bring them energy.
Get the free download below!
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