Hey people pleaser- are you struggling to say no to people?
Tell me if any of these situations sound familiar:
- When your boss asks you to work a weekend shift, you say yes because you want to be a team player
- When a friend you don’t keep in touch with anymore asks if you want to catch up, you go even though you know it will be awkward
- When your partner asks you to do something, you drop EVERYTHING and go do it even if it doesn’t fit your schedule and you know they won’t thank you later
Am I hitting home yet?
Then it probably means you believe one of these myths about setting boundaries and learning how to say NO.
1) You believe saying no is a BAD thing
When someone asks you to catch up and you REALLY don’t want to, you sometimes feel like a bad person.
Isn’t it rude to say no for no reason?
Well, if you tell them to go to hell and that you never want to see them again then yeah maybe. This is the classic difference between assertion and being an asshole.
In reality, saying no to people instead of caving to every request
- -Improves your relationships because people know they can trust you to tell the truth
- -Means you have more energy to give to the people and activities you really care about
- -You save your time AND their time
- -People see you as someone who can communicate their needs and emotions
Saying no is a good thing for you AND the people around you.
2) You believe it is selfish to put yourself first
Ever heard the saying never pour from an empty cup?
I’ll take it one step further: Don’t let others DRINK from your cup.
People pleasers (like who I used to be) often believe that they should be selfless.
Thinking that it is selfish to put yourself first is based on the belief that it is wrong to put yourself first.
Shouldn’t I be looking after other people?
What if others need me?
Fill your own cup first.
3) You believe that you can’t put yourself first AND be a good person
Bottom line: You can be there for other people, and it is absolutely OK to do favours.
However, if you are rescuing them emotionally and doing things that they should be doing for themselves, then you need better fucking boundaries.
4) You believe that being busy is admirable
Hustling and glorifying being busy a capitalist white-man’s game.
I am an ex-political science student, so bear with me for a second.
Capitalism is based on self. It says that you work for yourself, you get your own, you pay your taxes (I mean, you should defs pay taxes). It glorifies being busy. It glorifies never having any time.
If you can’t find time for yourself because you are so busy
- -helping others
- -taking on extra work
- -earning one extra dollar
Then you are going to get to the end of your life extremely unfulfilled (and maybe a few dollars better off).
Set better boundaries around your energy so you can enjoy the NOW (rather than being happy in some mystical future time that never actually arrives).
5) You believe that saying no will make people hate you
If people hate you when you say no to them, you don’t want to be around them anyway.
That is just MORE proof that you should set boundaries.
DO NOT spend time saying yes to people whose life or opinion have no consequence in the long-term.
6) You believe people care deeply about every decision you make
Can you remember the last embarrassing thing your best friend did?
Can you remember the last time your neighbour had a pimple?
Could you point out the most unfit person in the gym?
Because I’m willing to bet you think people will notice those things about you.
But we are all out here so worried about what other people think of us that we barely have time to worry about what other people are doing.
So the next time you want to set a boundary or say no to someone, remember that they are much more worried about themselves and their issues than you.
7) You believe that you can’t miss out on anything EVER
FOMO is one of the main reasons I used to be a people pleaser.
I used to believe that if I missed out on a party/weekend trip/one more drink in town that I would be left out. That I would never have fun with those people again.
The world will still be there once you have recharged. The real friends will understand.
Say no, protect your boundaries, and save your energy for the FUCK YES moments in life x