Is feeling disconnected from your partner just something that happens over the years?
I have absolutely zero tolerance for marriage tropes.
If somebody’s like, “oh, just you wait, you are gonna get sick of your husband eventually”, my skin just crawls.
Then you start to get that feeling.
That feeling that you aren’t quite as connected as when you first got married.
Like, obviously you love your husband, but you just don’t feel that thing.
Was your old auntie right? Is starting to feel disconnected from your partner just what happens in marriage?
I don’t buy it.
In this blog, I’m gonna give you the number one reason you’re probably feeling disconnected from your husband (and it’s not because you don’t love each other) and four simple ways that you can start to come back to each other and feel connected again.
Why you’re feeling disconnected from your partner
Super quick disclaimer, I’m not going to get into things like avoidant attachment styles in this article.
I’m gonna assume that for the most part, life is pretty good with your husband.
You care about each other, you’re working on this beautiful life together.
Maybe you’ve been working towards saving for a house. You’re both working on your careers. You have kids or you’re thinking about having kids.
And then all of a sudden you’ve been married a couple of years and things are just feeling a little bit flat.
Like surely this isn’t as good as it gets, surely romance isn’t already over. There’s a reason that this is a really common trope in sitcoms.
But the number one reason you’re probably feeling disconnected?
Is that your marriage isn’t actually coming first.
Your needs and your husband’s needs are the bottom of your to-do list.
And this is where it gets a little bit jumbled up. The thing is that you are working on your careers, you’re working on money, you’re raising children. And all of these things are building this foundation for a for a great life together.
But if you want that emotional intimacy and connection that you are craving, all of those things have to come second to your relationship.
And usually when I start talking like this, I start to get a bit of resistance.
Like that’s great Lucy, but we need to feed ourselves and we need to save money. Our careers are important to us and they make us better people.
And I mean, yeah, but prioritizing your marriage will make all of that easier because you will feel more connected to your partner, which means you will feel more emotionally stable and it will make you feel like you have somebody on your side going through this with you.
4 things you can do if you’re feeling disconnected from your partner
So you know that you’re feeling disconnected from your partner. How do we get back to that place of deep connection and romance and emotional intimacy without just setting a date night once a week?
#1 Analyse your schedules
So the first thing I would do is analyze your schedules.
You might be feeling disconnected, but how much time and energy are you actually putting into feeling more connected?
Do you actually have the mental energy and space to connect deeply with your partner?
When you look at your week, do they actually come first before everything else on your to-do list? Or is your husband getting whatever energy you happen to have left over at the end of the day? After work, chores, kids, hobbies and everything else that you feel like you have to run around and do.
Be honest about how much energy you are actually giving to your marriage before complaining that all the romance has gone.
#2 Ask for more connection
Next, ask for what you need.
If you are craving more connection and affection, start by asking your husband for it.
Just ask! He might not even realize that there’s something more that you need.
When you do this, make sure that you’re being specific. That way you can both see when it’s being done and then you can acknowledge it in return.
So for example, you could ask your husband to kiss you every time he comes in for the evening.
That is something tangible that will build connection. That is something tangible that can be ticked off.
#3 Turn up the affection “dial”
The third thing you can do if you’re feeling disconnected from your partner is to just turn up the dial a little bit.
If you are somewhat affectionate, but you are craving that deeper delicious intimacy, imagine that affection and turning up that dial like 20%.
So that might look like holding hands just that little bit tighter, laughing louder on purpose, hugging like 20% longer, smiling wider when he walks into a room, looking away from your phone 20% longer If he asks you something.
This is almost like faking it till you make it.
But it is scientifically proven that if you smile you feel happier as a result.
#4 Plan a no-tech night
The fourth tip is to have at least one night per week where you’re not just watching TV together.
This isn’t quite a date night, but rather it is reducing the incessant noise that is surrounding you.
By having at least one night where you’re not using your phone or watching TV, you might realize that you’ve been using these things as a distraction from the disquiet or disconnect in your marriage.
So use this night to make mental space for each other.
Still feeling disconnected from your partner?
If you want help rebuilding this connection with your partner, let’s work together! You can email me directly email@example.com or check out ways to work with me as a relationship coach.