Wanna know why I know emotional exclusivity is critical in your marriage?
Because I cheated on every partner before I got together with my husband.
Young Lucy seemed to find emotional intimacy with everyone except her boyfriend.
It’s not really important why (“I was young”, “I was hormonal”, “I picked boyfriends who were emotionally unavailable”, whatever the excuse was).
What’s important is that I went from cheating to #relationshipgoals.
And I did it through emotional intimacy and exclusivity.
In this post, I want to share HOW I built this with my husband, and how it builds a deep connection and trust between us.
Why Emotional Exclusivity Is So Important In Your Marriage
I opened so much of myself to men who weren’t my current partner.
I would tell them secrets, the issues I was going through in my relationship, and text them about EVERYTHING, every day.
Still wondering how I got myself into situations where I wasn’t loyal to my partner 😅
I am not saying that you can’t have friends (guy friends specifically).
I am saying that the choice to build exclusive emotional intimacy with my husband has lead to
- A deep, wild love where we trust each and are each others’ favourite hiding place
- Loving and being loved more than I thought was possible
- Opening myself up to my husband and trusting him to take care of my emotional needs
- Nobody being able to get in between us
- A deep, knowing confidence that I am the most important person in his life and vice versa
- Our relationship never feeling threatened by other men/women
- Being able to talk about ANYTHING even if it’s big or scary or uncomfortable
You don’t need to be married (or even monogamous) to benefit from building this level of intimacy through communication.
5 Ways To Start Building Emotional Exclusivity With your Husband
Instead of walking side by side through life together, I want you to imagine that you are face to face instead. Even if you don’t feel like you are completely open with your husband (or maybe you’re like Past Lucy who used to talk to everyone but her husband), you can still build emotional exclusivity. Here’s how I did it:
1) Keep intimate conversations for your husband
Past Lucy would think I was crazy for saying this.
“No texting guy friends everything that’s going on? That’s so prudish, they’re just my friends!”
Right up until you have a deep emotional tie to them.
It’s OK if you don’t agree that some things should be kept between you and your partner. Emotional affairs rip marriages apart, and I’m not in the business of mediocore marriages.
Keeping (at least some) things between you and your husband will build a deep emotional intimacy and connection. Do I still ask advice from friends? Sure. But I edit some of the details to protect and respect my husband’s privacy.
I am the keeper of his deepest wants, fears and dreams. And if that isn’t sexy as hell then I don’t know what is.
2) Become a united front
One of the most important aspects of emotional exclusivity is that we are LOYAL to each other and the marriage.
I find it super funny when people say “oh he’s your husband, make him do it”. Like acca-scuse me 😂
This is a classic example of “me and him against the world”.
We never talk about each other behind each other’s back, we back each other up, we never undermine each other in social situations, and we make decisions TOGETHER so that when people ask we are on the same page.
This way, we can’t ever be divided by other people.
3) Say it out loud
For Gods sake don’t make your partner guess what you are thinking.
Your marriage isn’t a test. You already have them, it’s not like you have to set traps for them and make them guess how to love you. It’s an open book test, give them the answers.
Say it out loud even if it hurts, even if your heart is pounding, even if this is new for you.
4) Make an agreement
If you are just starting to do this work, make a spoken agreement with your husband. Go out on a date, and make an agreement that
- No topics are off limits
- You will say what you are thinking instead of being passive aggressive
- You won’t hold back from each other
Create your own personal policies for communication (you both need to be on board!). For example, one of ours is that if we are upset, but we aren’t ready to talk about it, then we tell the other person that we are still thinking how to phrase it. That way the other person doesn’t feel shut out or emotionally punished in the meantime. This usually means disagreements are less uncomfortable because we speak with a clear head.
And if it feels robotic or like you are trying too hard- don’t worry! Limbic lag means that these new communication habits take at least 3 weeks to feel “normal”. Your brain and emotions will catch up.
5) Have a code word
Lastly, we use a code word when we need the other person to listen.
“Ok, REAL TALK”
“I need your eyes. I need you to hear me. This is important.”
It’s a signal that we need to talk and communicate on a deeper level.
Need more help with Emotional Exclusivity in your marriage?
Building emotional exclusivity is one of the best ways to build a deep connection with your husband that lasts. It gives you a foundation for taking on whatever life throws at you and never being divided.
Want to build a deeper connection with your husband by learning how to develop emotional exclusivity?