You might have heard the marriage advice:
“Plan a date night at least once a week for a happy marriage”
Well, I want you to STOP following this marriage advice, and here’s why
Pssst- you can watch this topic on YouTube as well! 👇
Why is “date night” such common marriage advice?
Let’s start with why this is common marriage advice.
Scheduling in a date night once a week (like at LEAST once a week) means that you are scheduling in
- Time away from kids if you have them
- 1:1 time with your partner
- Time that doesn’t involve chores or life admin
- Putting in effort for each other by dressing up or going out
- Focusing on each other not everything you need to get done
Why I want you to stop following this marriage advice
All the things I listed above are GREAT reasons for scheduling date nights.
And it’s no secret that I am obsessed with marriage!
So why am I telling you to NOT follow this advice?
The thing that drives me crazy about this marriage advice is that you aren’t craving a once a week love.
If this is the marriage advice that you are hanging your love and commitment on, then you’re still going to feel like roommates the other 6 days of the week.
Life and life admin and busyness is still going to get in the way of your intimacy, communication and connection.
I’m sorry but a weekly date night is NOT the answer to reclaiming intimacy.
And I can already hear people saying
“But that’s better than nothing! We don’t have time for any more than that!”
And that, lovers, is my biggest issue.
If your marriage only has time for ONE night to dedicate to each other, then it is not your priority.
If life, work, money, kids, chores, hobbies, whatever, are keeping you so busy that you only have one night per week to dedicate to the most important person in your life, then it’s not an intimacy problem- it’s a prioritization problem.
It’s not that I think that date night is bad advice for married couples.
It’s that if it’s love one night of the week and busy routine the other six, that’s the kind of love that makes married couples feel more like roommates than lovers.
How to prioritise your marriage more than one night per week
So what can you do about it?
What do you do instead of just scheduling a date night once per week and calling it a day?
I’ve got 3 things you can start doing to come back to each other:
1.Reconnect EVERY single day
Make that connection every single day, even if it’s not as big as a date night. Get up early and have coffee together before work and check in.
Questions my husband and I like to use are “what are you looking forward to right now?”, “What do you need from me today”.
And yes, I mean Every. Single. Day. Because that’s what this kind of epic marriage takes. Effort, communication, prioritisation, every day.
2. Recognise the “roommate” phase
Recognise the roommate phase- and just acknowledge it for what it is! Routine, stability. These aren’t bad things, but it’s not the kind of love you’re probably craving from your marriage. Recognise if that is where you are so you can come up with a plan to change it.
3. Put your foot down on scheduling
Put your foot down on your schedule for a while. If you have gotten to this point where you are in routine without the intimacy or connection, it’s time to start culling your schedules a bit. Say no to a few social engagements, rearrange hobbies so that you have more time together around work, analyse whether your current job is allowing you to spend the time you need to with your partner
Want to prioritise your marriage more?
If you want more support in prioritising your marriage, I’m your gal! You can email me directly lucy@lucybekker.com or DM on Instagram @lucybekker_ to talk about 1:1 coaching to help you put your marriage first again.
