A successful marriage boils down to one thing: two people who are willing and excited to meet each others’ needs.
This starts with knowing what your own needs are. That way, you can communicate your needs to your husband and feel loved when he rises to meet them.
In this blog post I’ll go through 5 simple conversation starters that will help you open up the topic of what you need to feel loved.
Why you need to communicate your needs in a marriage
Your marriage is not a test for how much your husband loves you.
Once you are married, you shouldn’t be testing them to see if they know what you want. You should be telling them!
A great marriage is when two people are willing and excited to make each other feel loved. It’s reciprocated effort, over and over again.
And it starts by being clear about your needs.
- Step 1: Know what you yourself needs (i.e. self-awareness)
- Step 2: Tell your partner what you need to feel loved right now
- Step 3: Partner has opportunity to love you in exactly the way you need them to
5 phrases to help you communicate what you need from your husband
The most important rule for communication in marriage? Don’t leave things unsaid. If you need something, just ask! Here are a few phrases my husband and I use to open up a conversation about needs.
“What do you have capacity for today?”
I saw a post that said that some days, marriages aren’t 50/50. Some days one person needs to give 90% because the other person can only give 10%.
This conversation starter acknowledges that your partner might be stressed or tired or need their own needs met as well. It means that you can then ask them in a way that acknowledges you want something but you aren’t trying to overload them.
“What do you need from me today?”
I love this communication prompt because this has to go both ways. By opening the conversation in this way you will have the opportunity to meet some of their needs in return.
“I need more X from you at the moment”
Don’t 👏 make 👏 him 👏 guess 👏
The fastest way to build resentment in a marriage is to expect him to read your mind. It can be this simple.
Examples from my own marriage:
- I need more feelings of financial stability in our expenses account at the moment
- I need more FUN together at the moment
- I need more date ideas from you at the moment
- I need more tech-free time with you at the moment
- I need more conversations about our future together at the moment
It’s not less romantic to say exactly what you need out loud. In fact, it’s sexy as hell when he knows exactly what I need from him and then does it.
“I am struggling with X and I would love to work on it together”
Although it’s a bit cliche, men really do love to help problem solve.
What can your husband help you with? What is draining your energy? Is there anything that you are struggling with that is making you less likely to be present in your relationship?
When you think about it like this, him meeting your needs isn’t selfish- it contributes to the happy functioning of your relationship overall because it means that you will have more energy to be together.
This is also an effective way to open up a conversation about something you want to work on in the relationship without making him feel attacked.
For example, instead of saying:
“You never do the dishes anymore!”
Try saying
“I am really struggling with how cluttered the kitchen is and I would love to work on a solution together”
“I need X to feel loved today”
Once again, this keeps it simple. Who doesn’t want an opportunity to make their partner feel more loved!
Give him the keys to the castle. You will both be infinitely happier than if you expect him to know exactly what you need (especially when that can change just about daily).
Need more help with communication in your marriage?
Want to build a deeper connection with your husband by learning to fully open up and communicate your needs?
