Whenever I start talking about setting healthy boundaries, I always get the feeling that some people think you have to be at rock bottom.
That you have to be in a toxic relationship or a shitty job.
Setting boundaries is just how you get the life you want. It’s how I have a deliriously happy marriage, work for myself, and have relationships where people know I won’t lie to them.
You figure out what you want, what you value, what your energy will allow, and then say NO to everything else.
Still sounding a bit out of reach?
In this blog post, I am going to give you 10 simple tips for how to set your boundaries (and communicate them CONFIDENTLY.)
1) Keep it SIMPLE
In my 6 step A.S.S.E.R.T. Method for setting boundaries in B.S. to Boundaries, SIMPLIFY is the third step.
This comes in two parts.
Firstly, when you communicate your needs and feelings, you need to express your boundaries WITHOUT over-explaining yourself.
For example, if you get a text asking if you can work on the weekend you could send one of two messages in return:
1) “No, sorry!”
2) “Oh uhm maybe? What time? I could maybe do it but I might have to go meet someone that day so unsure. Can Jen cover it? I guess I could do it if she can’t”
Keep. It . Simple.
Secondly, you need to keep it simple with yourself!
Set non-negotiable rules so that your mind always knows the answer. For example, if someone is messaging you late at night, but you have a non-negotiable rule that you put your phone down after 9pm, then your actions become much easier.
2) Release the energy after the moment has passed
One of the biggest mistakes I see clients make is to make a decision and then stress about it after it has happened.
Once you have set a boundary, or told somebody NO, then you need to close the energetic channel.
What they think after that is outside of your control, so there is no sense in holding onto it!
3) Practice speaking clearly
This step in setting boundaries is similar to simplifying. You need to practice expressing yourself clearly.
Just say exactly what you mean- don’t sugar coat, don’t waffle, don’t track.
Think about it- if someone was going to say no to you, would you rather they made a bunch of shit up and wasted your time and energy, or would you rather they just said no in the first place?
4) Learn how to back yourself in a group
Peer pressure is a huge psychological barrier to setting healthy boundaries.
Let’s do an example.
Say you are at dinner with a group of friends, and they all decide to get another round of drinks. You KNOW that your bank account can’t handle it, but they want you to join in!
In my free download “50 ways to say no without being a bitch”, I give you a bunch of tips on how to say no in situations like this while still having a good time and keeping your friends!
Download the resource here so that the next time you are faced with peer pressure you have some expressions in your back pocket xxx
P.s. if you practice this and you still aren’t confident, it MIGHT be time to surround yourself with better people! #toughlove
5) Set boundaries BEFORE you need them
You probably know that it is much harder to stand up to people in the heat of the moment.
Make sure you know what your boundaries are BEFORE you need them.
Like the example above where you are out at dinner with friends, you can set your boundary before you go out (you can even tell them what your budget is). That way, people are much less likely to over-step the line.
6) Actually say your boundaries OUT LOUD
Expressing your boundaries OUT LOUD is a super important step in setting healthy boundaries.
Think about it: If people don’t know what your boundaries are, can you be mad that they are over-stepping them?
It is your responsibility to express clear boundaries. This will even improve some of your relationships because people know exactly where they stand with you!
7) Communicate using the I.C.E. method
If you need help actually communicating, you can use my I.C.E. method!
- I- craft your “I” statement. This is about you not them! E.g. instead of “It annoys me when you ask me to do that as soon as I get home, stop it!” you can say “I prefer to take 5 minutes to myself when I get home, could you wait to ask me to do that in the evenings?”
- C- Communicate your boundaries. Instead of just getting annoyed at someone, clearly let them know where the line is (again, you can’t get mad if they don’t even know the boundary is there!)
- E- Release the energy. Don’t carry around the reactions or words of other people, don’t spend the rest of the day worrying what they think of you! Setting boundaries is healthy x
8) Fall in love with self-love
Saying no and setting boundaries is the ULTIMATE form of self-love.
If you set boundaries, you have
- More energy for yourself
- More energy to give to the things you actually care about
- Give OTHER people permission to set boundaries
- More money
- Stronger relationships
- More confidence in your own voice and just how wonderful you are
Setting boundaries gives you the chance to put yourself first again. Want to do that WITHOUT feeling guilty? Book in a Boundary Breakthrough Session with me! <3
9) Check-in with fears
Are you resisting something because you actually don’t want to do it, or are you afraid of something?
I used to say no to super fun things because I was scared of looking silly or hurting myself, so when I thought I was setting boundaries when really I was just missing out on life!
Get really good at listening to your self-talk so that you can tell the difference.
10) Remember: You don’t HAVE to do anything
If you remember ONE thing from this blog post, remember this:
You don’t HAVE to do anything if you don’t want to.
That is my biggest and most enduring personal policy that protects my energy.
Give yourself permission to
- Change your mind
- Make different decisions
- Speak your mind
- Do whatever the fuck makes you happy x
I promise I’ll be there to cheer you along every step of the way! xxx