Whenever I start talking about setting healthy boundaries, I always get the feeling that some people think you have to be at rock bottom.
That you have to be in a toxic relationship or a shitty job.
Setting boundaries is just how you get the life you want. It’s how I have a deliriously happy marriage, work for myself, and have relationships where people know I won’t lie to them.
You figure out what you want, what you value, what your energy will allow, and then say NO to everything else.
Still sounding a bit out of reach?
In this blog post, I am going to give you 10 simple tips for how to set your boundaries (and communicate them CONFIDENTLY.)
Why do I need healthy boundaries?
My whole life changed when I started setting healthy boundaries.
Before I learnt how to say no without feeling guilty, I was
- Burnt out
- SO scared that I didn’t fit in and so constantly felt like I had to say yes
- Feeling like I wasn’t myself because I thought I had to love people in a certain way and show up as a certain person (even though it made me unhappy and uncomfrotable)
If you don’t know how to set boundaries, this is probably your reality too.
Always taking on more work even though you hate it. Spending more money than you have so you don’t get left behind.
Below I have listed 10 subtle signs that you need better boundaries- do any of them apply to you?
1) You see messages and hope they go away
I see this happen ALL. THE. TIME.
Someone gets a message. They see the name. They FREEZE.
“UUGGHHHHHHHHHH. X has messaged me to catch up again”.
a) Ignore it
b) Tell them you live in another country
c) Say yes to catching up and then instantly regret it
d) Use one of the phrases I’ve come up with in “50 ways to say no without being a bitch”?
A lot of people make the mistake of thinking that saying no is a bad thing. It is actually much nicer to just say no instead of messing the person around!
2) You are a serial pros and cons list gal
Whenever you make a decision, you make a pros and cons list.
You fret over the pros and cons of agreeing to do something.
Instead, you should be asking yourself
“Do I want to do this, yes or no?”
3) You are constantly burnt out
If you are burnt out like 80% of the time, YOU NEED BETTER BOUNDARIES.
You need to stop glorifing the hustle. You need to stop measuring your worth as a person/friend/coworker by how damn tired you are.
Newsflash: You can be a good person AND have energy when you have good boundaries!
4) You don’t know what “me time” is
Show me someone with no spare time and I’ll show you someone without any boundaries.
The reason you are so stressed and tired and upset? You don’t know how to say no to people.
If you are wondering HOW people manage to get two seconds to themselves in such abusy world, it’s because they know that THEIR energy comes first.
Not their mother-in-laws. Not their boss. Not their kids. Their own.
As soon as you learn how to set boundaries around your energy and say no, you will have more than enough time to recharge and have even more energy to give to the people you love.
5) You worry about upsetting people
Nobody ENJOYS confrontation.
But if you are only saying yes because you are worried the person will
- Get angry
- Get disappointed
- Try to peer pressure you
- Insult you for being boring
- Stop talking to you
Then they are gaslighting you, and you need to put your foot down.
People only get angry when you set boundaries if they BENEFIT from you having none. They get angry and upest because previously you were their doormat.
Run like the wind.
6) You overspend a lot
Think back to the last time you went out for drinks with some friends. Think back to the last time you went on a weekend trip with people.
Did you spend more than you planned?
Then you need better boundaries.
Peer pressure is a HUGE cause of stress, especially when it comes to finances.
And this used to be me! I had such deep limiting beliefs around getting left behind, getting left out, of people thinking I was a boring person if I couldn’t keep up financially.
Not only did I end up with an overdraft the size of a crater, I ended up resenting those people (and it turned out I didn’t even LIKE them that much).
If you are overspending, it is time to set some boundaries(with yourself as well as others x).
7) You struggle to get to sleep because you are stressed
People with no boundaries will often lie awake thinking of conversations they had or are yet to have.
What should I have said differently?
Why did I let them use me as a door mat?
I don’t want to go, why did I say yes?
If you are lying awake at night thinking like this, you need better boundaries ASAP. I alwasy tell my clients who are learning the art of assertive communication that
“It is better to be scared for 10 seconds than stressed for a week- say what you fucking mean.”
8) You resent co-workers who don’t work as hard as you
One common symptom of having no boundaries is that you say yes to helping people a lot.
If you do this at work (e.g. taking on weekend shifts when you don’t want to) you start to resent other co-workers who DON’T say yes.
I used to do this in things like group porjects. I would see a gap and pick up the slack, then get mad that nobody else was doing anything (even though I wasn’t expect to do it either).
Do yourself (and your poor unsuspecting coworkers) a favour and say no if you don’t want to do it.
9) You complain a lot
People who say yes when they mean no complain A LOT.
“Oh man, I have to meet up with that person, they are so stressful!”
“Well why did you agree to meet up with them?”
“Oh you know, you can’t just say NO, you have to, I’ve known them for ages.”
“But you don’t like them? They said all those terrible things last time?”
“I just CAN’T, I feel so bad every time they message.”
Complaining is boring. Period. Save yourself the trouble and just say no.
10) This list has got you triggered AF
If you are anything like I used to be, this list will TRIGGER you.
How dare you suggest I say no. How dare you say that I’m complaining when I’m trying to be a good person.
But it’s still there, right? That niggling feeling that you need to kick yourself up the ass.
And the main reason most people have no boundaries is because they have an underlying limting belief that stops them from saying no.
Want to find out what your #1 limting belief is? Book in a free Boundary Belief session with me!
Together we will identify WHY you feel like you can’t say no so that you can start taking back control of your life.